i don’t believe in hanging up on people. i really don’t. i think it’s disrespectful & rude, and should only be reserved for situations where the conversation has turned to blatant verbal abuse. however, not too long ago, i came about six sevenths of a second away from prematurely ending a conversation with my sister…and we were talking about hair.
here’s the thing: i find it extremely disappointing, and somewhat pathetic, that a sense of style that is supposed to foster self-love has created so much division and hatred in the black female community. i’m not understanding why so many women can’t choose to go natural without putting down their sisters who choose not to. don’t get me wrong; i have plenty of friends who have gone natural, are happy with where they stand, and haven’t uttered a single snide comment to me about my dates with dark ‘n lovely. and in general, there are tons of women taking natural hair journeys which are beautiful, personal, and absent of criticism of those who aren’t doing so. but frequently, their positivity is drowned out by women who opt to include egotistical and accusatory commentary in their journeys.
this condescending mentality simply furthers, and creates a duality within, the already damaging (pun intended) “good” and “bad” hair debate, which i’m sure willie lynch would thoroughly enjoy. frankly, the back and forth is getting to be painfully redundant, and counterproductive. rather than engaging in a cyclical debate to mandate an overarching “good” or “bad” for black female hair, we should instead be promoting self-love. now, that doesn’t mean preaching “if you loved yourself, you’d relax that mess on your head to look decent”, or “if you loved yourself, you’d take that ridiculous sew-in out, or cut your permed hair off, and wear your hair the way it should be.” it means acknowledging that what’s most important is that a sister loves and takes care of herself.
i’ve always said that if a woman wears her hair a certain way because she genuinely likes it, and she takes good care of her hair, then leave her the hell alone. i’ve permed my hair, grown my perm out completely, colored it, put in kinky twists, the whole 9. i didn’t perm or color my hair because i was brainwashed by “the man”, or hated myself. and i didn’t grow my perm out because i was rejecting white standards of beauty. i chose to change my hair up because i LOVE that i can do it. see that? love. i’m not bashing natural hair journeys; been there, loved that. but we’ve got to start rejecting the mentality that they somehow make some women superior, or love themselves more.
most importantly, we need to start taking a more holistic approach to self-confidence and self-love, because we’re growing overly fixated on hair. self-hatred is deeply rooted, and it’s quite the underestimation to develop a mindset that puts hair at the forefront of it. olivia may be over the moon in love with her perfectly twisted locs, but throw up after every meal because her body disgusts her. jen may stick with a sew-in, not because she’s been conditioned to loathe her natural hair texture, but because the weave makes her hair long enough to hate the features of her face a little less.
feeling inadequate as a black woman is deeper than in-fighting about creamy crack, blonde extensions, and natural kinks. we have to broaden our thought process in handling this issue, and become more action, and solution oriented. if not for ourselves, then we should do it for the babies, who look to us for guidance as they grow from girls into women. and what example does all of this set for them?